Motherhood and Entrepreneurship - and the Myth of Balance

I'll never forget the day my 3rd baby was born. There I was on the sidewalk outside my flat, handing orders I had packed up that morning to the UPS guy. I was in labour, and had to keep pausing for contractions and to catch my breath. The poor UPS driver was very stressed, and I had to reassure him that I wasn't going to give birth in front of him, that minute, out on the sidewalk! Neighbours coming in and out of their houses were also a bit worried. I think they were hoping that we would hurry up and leave for the hospital - but we didn't. We had a lovely homebirth as planned.

I took a few days to cocoon with my precious baby and then went back to managing the home business I had started with two friends. Our new little son seemed happy to accompany me no matter what I did or where I went, snugly attached to mom in a baby carrier.

That was the rhythm of our life for years. As I grew my business, my 3 sons grew up inside it and all around it. It was very busy, fun, and sometimes too tumultuous. I have often been asked how I combined being a mother with being an entrepreneur, and if that is even possible. I am not sure I have a good answer, and am still not sure it is possible. At least it is probably not possible in the way we imagine it could be.

I know that I  compromised in many ways, and relentlessly blamed myself for being inadequate - on all fronts. But I was driven. I loved the work I did and the business I was building and I adored my children. I wasn't willing to give anything up, and so I built my work around my family, and raised my kids around the work. I adapted my life to doing both.

I homeschooled my kids because it was - though it may sound crazy - easier. I never had to wrangle with after school pick-ups, parent-teacher meetings, or homework. We read, we wrote, we played math games, and we went to interesting places together - libraries, museums, trips. I fit those things in around my work. And they played and played and played - together and everywhere and all of the time.

Friends played a huge part in our lives and were an important source of support. We had that proverbial village around us - gangs of kid friends, and also their mothers, who were truly a lifeline for me.

Was it perfect? No. It was often messy. I remember being on the phone with a client and blocking my other ear with my free hand whilst trying to keep a little one out of my office by pushing the door shut with my foot. I can still see him pressed up against the French door, crying with snot streaming down his face, inconsolable. Trying to come across in a professional manner at that moment was … a challenge.

The irony was that I had started this business to be able to stay home with my kids, but as it took off, I had to go to work outside the home. My kids sometimes came with me or stayed home with their dad, who worked nights. Friends helped a lot too - as well as a few amazing babysitters. I brought the kids with me as much as I could. They were great at occupying themselves, and it mostly worked out - except for the time that one of them left the water fountain running and it leaked through the floor into the ceiling of the business below… I also brought interesting people in to work and play with them while I was at the office - to do art, role-playing games, advanced math.

As the business grew, I hired support staff, and my role became more specialized. I no longer had to do everything myself! I hired people to pack and ship, take care of customers, run the store, answer phones, etc. I was always available, but able to be absent too.

Technology gave me the tools I needed to be more like the mother I aspired to be - securely connected to my kids. It also allowed me to stay connected with my staff no matter where I was in the world. Back then, my first remote connection to the office server was a miracle! Today we don't even think about it - but back then we had big clunky servers in our office that ran our accounting program and everything else.

If I woke up early and did some work, I could spend time launching my kids for the day before I left for work. Or - I could just work from home. But as anyone who has ever worked from home with a child knows - it can be hard too. It is hard to do deep and thoughtful work when you are liable to be interrupted by your kids at any time.

The truth is that it is almost impossible to find balance as a working mother, period. I have spoken with so many mothers about this, and too many of us feel that deep sense of inadequacy. Can we ever do enough, be enough, give enough? This debilitating self-doubt seems to begin right at the birth of our children, and sometimes even during pregnancy. In many cases it continues as our children become adults with their own families! In fact even though my kids have their own homes and families, I am still never entirely sure I am doing enough to be present and helpful to them.

We know that perfection is unattainable, and yet still we aspire to it. We want to be perfect mothers, and successful at work and in love. We want to be good daughters and vigilant caretakers of those we feel responsible for. We want our children to feel loved and secure,  and grow into rounded and complete human beings - educated, socialized, and prepared for lives of purpose and fulfillment. But at the same time - we are navigating our own many challenges: work, money, partnerships, education, aging parents, and simply being human. We are still trying to sort ourselves out, and at the same time produce meals and keep our homes livable, and find equity with our partners or survive as single parents.

The business kept growing, and so did my kids. I began to travel - across Canada, in the US, in Europe: to attend and exhibit at trade shows, and do sales trips and supplier visits. I opened a warehouse in the US, and travelled there twice a month.  My cell phone allowed me to call home and stay connected, and my family could reach me in an emergency. Once, when I was in France - in the days of rented European cell phones and exorbitant transatlantic calling costs - one of my kids called to tell me that the dog had eaten the food he left on the counter to defrost for supper. There wasn't much I could do - but I did share his frustration, and years later we still laugh at that dog's antics.

 The first jobs my kids had were in the business, of course. They learned to work hard and do a great job, because they knew it mattered enormously to all of us. They cared about what I did - what we did -  because they were part of it. They brought energy and enthusiasm to it, as well as their care and creativity. As they grew older, their roles became more sophisticated. They worked in shipping, and found cheaper, more optimal shipping methods. They created a system for customs entry and drawbacks for imports and exports. One of them even created an app for the company that was unique and remarkable, and it set us apart.

I know how unbelievably lucky and privileged I am to have been able to live and work this way. It is a dream of entrepreneurs to create their own world of work and forge their own paths. And the truly amazing part of it was that although it was quite unorthodox, my entrepreneurial dream came true. The business was a success for almost 3 decades. This success enabled me to shape my life around what mattered to me. I think it was a kind of integration of work and personal life that we rarely see, and I find that sad. It's as if we need to leave our human side at home with our family in order to be convincingly serious at work. Meanwhile, I attended meetings with bankers and investors wearing my baby in a sling, and managed to be taken seriously enough to secure credit and investment to build the business.

But I can't lie - it was pretty rock 'n roll for many years.

Did it work out in the end? You’d have to ask my kids. I’m not sure what they would say. What I do know is that they are hardworking, deeply connected to one another, endlessly curious, and kind. I love being with them, and I love watching them parent their own children with steadiness and care.

Is it possible to find balance in being an entrepreneur and a mother? Probably not. I lived in constant commotion, made imperfect choices, and built a life where work and family were never separate. In the end, it was never really about balance at all.

a couple kids, a couple grandkids, and a granddad